My life?

Home life. Work life. My life?

What happened? One minute I was totally in control, could do what I wanted when I wanted, video games, comic books, movies (at home OR in the theatres), hanging out at the beach, sleeping in on the weekends, drinking with the guys (a lot)...you name it, if I wanted to do it...well, I did.

All of the sudden (well, not so all of the sudden, more like all of the "10 years later") the "my life" part of the equation is gone. Monday-Friday day with sprinkles of nights and weekends thrown in I am heavily invested in my job, which is at times rewarding and fun with healthy doses of stress and infuriating circumstances I can't control (though I insist on trying...hello head, meet wall). When I am not at work, the real hard part starts (but also more rewarding)...it's being a husband and a Dad (not necessarily in that order). I am a huge fan of lists, and it is now official that running 3 national magazines doesn't have nearly the to-do list of 2 young girls under 3. They both rock like no other, but wow, there is ALWAYS something. Throw in their equally awesome mom, and the list is neverending (I'm not even kidding...it NEVER ENDS).

I realize it's time to be grown up, logically, it's time...I'm well on the way to 40, but for some reason I just don't feel it...I bought the Wii last week on the pretense of my 3 year old wanting to try it...but in my spare time between 10:00pm and 1:00am when I'm not working, it's whatever is on my TiVo and the occasional video game thrown in (I take my immature where I can get it).

I don't consider myself a bad Dad by any stretch, but I catch myself quite often thinking "ugh" when I just get a chance to sit down and someone needs something...of course I get up and do it (why do the easy things always take exactly 7 minutes?) and then sit down again, just in time for the next request. In fact, as stressful as work is, I even found myself slightly yearning for the relative peace of people only needing something every 3 minutes at the office, rather than every 1.5 at home. Hopefully this will all pass as they get older, and our interests somehow come together better, I'm still not into Enchanted, the Wiggles, Caillou or the color pink.

I try to relate to my girls as well as I can, but ultimately, I think it comes to me having more control at work, so that is my comfort zone...it may not be my first choice of what I want to be doing at the time, but I call the shots for the most part. (plus, even after 7 years, I still look for the mags on every newsstand I go by, when that is done, I'll know it's time to move on)

Control at home...well, not so much.

I control the order with which I do my assigned tasks.

OK, no, I don't even really control that.

But I pay the bills...that's something...right?

I guess what it comes down to is finally accepting that the list at the top isn't 3 separate lives, it IS my life...it's where I am now, and where I'm going to be for a long time...so whether it means growing up, or growing down to the girls level occasionally (I have caught my wife dancing with my eldest in the living room with various headwear on more than one occasion)...I need to live with it.

and I'm pretty sure I can do it. Of course, a little luck won't hurt :-)

C